Well Darlings,
I see some people trying to give up smoking in the Glasgow area have recently had a bit of hard luck. Instead of Zyban, a common anti-smoking pill, they have been prescribed sildenafil - which by any other name is Viagra. The cock-ups, we're told by the NHS for Glasgow and Clyde, were entirely due to a computer error. Somehow it seems you can't put a computer near anyone even remotely involved with the NHS these days without there being something unforeseen popping up, doesn't it?
"Are you happy in your attempt to give up smoking, sir?" the doctor enquired."Very," he grinned back."Then I'm proud of you.""Oh, no Doc. I'm the proud one!"
I wonder what that rogue NHS computer dishes out for erectile dysfunction? Bromide tablets?
So, now what? A seasonal story? How about the supply teacher at the Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield who has been sacked for telling the truth? The unnamed woman, in her thirties, has had her contract terminated after parents complained to the Head, Diane Thomas-Wood, that she had revealed to the kids there was no such person as Santa Claus. Mothers complained: "It's taken away the magic," and: "Everyone is disgusted."
Really? We are talking Junior School here, aren't we? Had it been the Infant School, I might have had some sympathy with the mothers - but Junior School? At that age I would have thought the parents would have been relieved that someone has taken away from them all the embarrassment of having to explain to the youngsters why Mummy and Daddy had lied to them for so long.
Do we have Secondary School kids in Sutton Coldfield still believing in Santa? It has to be considered after reading this story. Apparently the sacked teacher has also revealed to the kids that fairies did not exist either. Hmm... It's about the time they make Secondary School that some of them will be discovering just how wrong she was on that one!
Talking of kids and schools, did you catch the story of the huge willy drawn on the roof of Yarm School in Stockton on Tees? It was so large it could be seen from space - and we're told nobody knew about it until it was spotted on Google Earth. It is thought the prank was carried out by a couple of ex-pupils who hopped over the fence one weekend. A naughty prank - but brilliant!
I haven't looked but they say that, although the willy has now been removed, you can still see the outline of it on the Google program. Wait now! You finish reading this before you going hopping off there! Google have said that should anyone discover anything offensive on their pictures they would consider removing it. Er... How about Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield, darlings?
Another follow up story to Tony Blair's famous speech on the importance of: "Education. Education. Education." It seems that: "Education. Ejucation. Ejewcashun." might be more reflective of the result of this government's efforts to educate our children.
The giant retailer Tesco commissioned Lancaster University's Professor Tony McEnery to conduct a study of teenagers' blogs, questionnaires and speech. Not surprisingly to me, the study shows that the twenty most popular words teenagers use include: "yeah", "no", "but", and "like" - and these make up about one-third of all the words they use! The professor tells us that, in true Vicky Pollard fashion, the word: "no" is frequently, and notably, accompanied by the word "but" as in: "no but", and teenagers use these words almost double the amount of times as do older people. Teenagers only use half the number of words as do 25 to 34-year-olds.
So there we have it - it is only after they have left school that our kids are able to learn, and to begin getting a grasp of the English language in order to speak proper "just like wot I does!" Yeah but ejewcashun's a funny fing, innit? No but it is, innit?
My immediate reaction to this story was to question why Tesco should commission such a survey - and then a likely answer came to me. You can't sell your potatoes to someone who only knows: tatties, can you? No but, like you can't, can you like? Know wot I mean?
May God forgive our government - for so many things! And may He help us should we have to suffer meeting: tatties, martus, narners, shooger and all the suchlike in the aisles of our supermarkets one day soon!
Funniest story of the week? I think it has to be John Prescott at the Party of European Socialists conference in Portugal. (I bet that was a real blast!) Prezza was having to rush through his "prepared" speech on climate change after his allocated time had been halved and, as the translators struggled to make sense of his method of conveying a message, his false tooth shot out of his mouth leaving a gap large enough in which to park his two Jags. A historical moment. Perhaps the only time that anyone ever got anything out of our John - apart from a punch, that is!
Mr Prescott carried on to finish his speech, and sat down to a rapturous applause - but whether it was for the speech or for his cabaret act, we may never know.
Well, that's it, Darlings - another year over. I shall not be back to write this column again until we are into the New Year. The past year has not been a good one for many people around our planet, has it? Let us all wish and hope for a better New Year for each and every one of us - a happy, healthy, and a peaceful one.
May your God go with you, should you have one; may you have all the Luck in the world, should you not.
Happy Holidays - and I'll see you all next year!
"The Bitch!" 15/12/06.
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